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Thursday, August 18, 2016

Marriage - The Love that became just Sex

I have always felt the strong need of emotional attachment for physical intimacy with a woman. The feeling of belongingness and lots of foreplay were so essential for that deep physical bond that I always wanted.

Naturally, I looked forward with great eagerness for that much awaited moment like everyone. Although I had an arranged marriage in a very short time, we had long phone conversations which helped us feel comfortable with each other from day one.

I was deeply invested emotionally to my wife and had very fulfilling sexual experience with her from the start. Unlike the horrific tales of men with their wives that I hear today, mine was a dream story. Anybody would feel elated for having such a sexually fulfilling wife. But as they say, 'good' things are short-lived.

Within the first one-two days, several instances of my wife having cheated me with false information to secure this marriage began to surface. This was the beginning of hell for me as I felt shattered for the thought of spending the rest of my life who was not only a liar but also was not qualified for the basic qualities I wanted in my life partner. From then on sex was nothing more than fulfilling my physical need and also a silent way of venting out my anger, despair and frustration.

While my wife had 'body pain' all throughout the day every single day for cooking and the little household work (which I shared equally, if not more) she was demanding about sex all the time. 

She was abusive, uncaring and scheming in various ways which also extended to our sexual life. Shortly after marriage I went down with continuous high fever for several days where I couldn't sleep or eat. But even in such condition, she was more interested in her physical needs than caring for my ailment. I was so heart-broken and angered that I wanted to kick her out of bed. But all I did was lay back silently and shiver the whole night while she slept comfortably.

She started creating big issues since then, and the doom in our relationship was sealed. Sex was just a mechanical exercise after that to meet her physical needs and a lame feeling for me that if she is good for nothing else, at least get some use of this crook in my life.

I have never shared this sentiment and thought with anyone before now because not only does it sound very cheap, but it is also not true of the person that I am. I felt trapped in utter helplessness and despair (my family did not support me to find strength).

This one experience has made me realize how women are seldom caring or sensitive towards their male sexual partners, and just want to use them (or deprive them) sexually. They use sex to manipulate and exploit men. I don't think I can have a truly fulfilling physical relationship with any woman other than just superficial physical gratification (if at all) after realizing this harsh reality.